`~` Teow's here `~`

朋友误以为上一篇文章是出于我笔下，担心我发生了什么事。
想对她说放心，我不是个好学生也没有上过明星学校，所以不用担心。那只是一篇收藏了好几年的剪报，不久前不小心从笔记本里掉了出来就拿来分享，希望有激励的作用。


我承认“自杀”这个念头曾经无数次的浮现在脑海里，有好几次拿着爸爸的剃胡须刀片在手腕和身上“比手划脚”的，却没有划下去的勇气，还想象说拿个桶来装血才不至于‘太早’被发现而死不成。现在的我其实还蛮感激当时的懦弱，不然我真的会错过很多美好的事情。


幸庆那已经是步入十九岁以前的事了。现在的我忙与盲到没时间去想它，更何况每一分每一秒钟的我们都在接近死亡，我还急什么啊！当然，最重要的是，还有很多我想完成的事情。虽然我没有别人的胸怀大志，也不是来拯救地球的超人，但是我一样可以拥有独自美好的平凡，毕竟Steve Jobs只有一个，就算是复制也是需要代价的，不是吗？


是社会无形的压力把你逼到自杀的地步，抑或是你选择的？其实只要你不要像我一样常常把事情“想埋一边”（广东话），这个世界也可以很美好，真的，只要你我愿意。

p/s:
心里还是很感激那位朋友的关心，虽然我们认识不久，她总是能让人感动。
像上次跟她道谢她有份送的生日礼物，她回说:''……I should thx you bcos I get a friend" 之类的，感慨自己没有她一半的善良。

I found words to be so powerful.

Sometimes people think that what we have had expressing is all that what makes us. You are right, in the sense that if it doesn't, it wouldn't have came out from my mouth at the first place.

But, think twice...Should we presume it of representing the whole cell of a person?

Silence doesn't imply that we care none, so do you who have been spoken out all the way care more than the rest do.

The same thing applies to action as well. What people do in the eyes of you never show the true them, it might because of the incorrect timing.

This might also be the reason people saying that ''Never judge a book by its cover''.

Maybe this is what our dearest PM misconceived, and he presumed that rakyat-rakyat who never joined the 709 rally a month ago physically to be specified, are in his favour.

I expected myself to know nothing about how the real legal profession works the moment I decided to be an attachment student, and that is why I have to learn as much as I can from every opportunitiy that I could possibly get.

The fourth day of intern is just few more hours to come, yet, I found myself to have lost.

From what my masters told me, I interpreted it as knowing nothing is not important as long as you want to learn, I mean learn from the heart.

Not feeling shameful to share that I had got myself scolded today by who I have have admired long since the first time I watched him speak as a lawyer. There are billions of exellence lawyers out there but not all are to be admired, and humbly saying that I am so very lucky to have two incredible one as my masters at the same time, this is amazing, isn't it!

Back to the main point,I know by myself that it was my wrong, which I should have think before I do anything, and make it clear about what and why I am doing, not to mention thinking twice. These were also advices from him the very first time we sat down and talked.

I am feeling so shameful, not because I got scolded, but that I never take my brain out of the room. Maybe they have already expected an intern student to be their burden, but I should not have taken that for granted, which I never do, seriously. I just feel so very guilty for making extra trouble, more when I could not do anything to reduce their burden at this moment.

At one point, I start to think of the reason which had put myself in this position. The conclusion which I could get is that maybe I haven't know what I actually want in life yet. That's why I always lost. Worst thing is that I am having no solution.

Maybe, this is not something that I should have avoided right now, but to learn from it. Life isn't easy, but not very tough also. Life isn't short, but isn't really long also. I have better appreciate everything that happens in my life, they are meant for me, and this is my life. Things happen for a reason, you never forget that right Chai Hong.

After all, we are all humans.

每年的母亲节虽然没有大肆庆祝，顶多也是和外婆舅舅一家人一起吃个团圆饭，或是买个蛋糕到饭店凑凑热闹，但至少我都一定会在家和妈妈一起，尽管只是很平凡的度过。可是今年，这个双亲节‘飘香’的季节我刚好得应付考试，所以没得回家=（

在外头，很多时候遇到不顺心的事情，感到很委屈的想要打个电话回家跟父母撒娇，可是想到说还是不要让他们担心好，就干脆不打了，因为怕他们听出我有心事。心有灵犀一点通这句话说得一点也没错，妈妈总会在我最需要关怀的时候打来。有多少次我可以把到嘴边的话咽回去，却无法隐藏心中的激动，让哽咽声出卖了自己，那个时候两端必定会沉默几秒钟，然后谁也不揭穿谁，因为妈妈清楚明白我要让她知道的事情有一天我一定会告诉她的，她也知道我自大，不想让我难堪。就好像有一次我憋了很久，终于在妈妈面前说和朋友相处出现问题时我哭了，我偷偷的把眼泪擦掉以为可以跳过这一段，但其实这一切妈妈都看在心里，那种心疼的眼神我不会看错的。

会说难堪是因为我生长在一个传统的华人家庭，家人之间没有所谓拥抱和吻式的互动来表示彼此的关怀，也没有说“我爱你”的习惯，感情的表达上是比较保守的，但是我们有我们独特的沟通方式，独家仅有的。就好像我跟姐姐就是从小打到大，现在一见面也是水火不相容的那种，不是我们不想改，只是已经习惯这种沟通方式了，知道彼此没有恶意就好。

小时候，如果哪一天我们和其他小朋友有争执，我的母亲知道后会第一时间把我们拉回家打屁屁。以前，我会怪她偏心，不分青红皂白什么的，长大后才知道她的用意，她要我们培养把自己的本分做好的习惯吧。现在，她常常劝我们说“有量才有福”，这句话从她口中用福建音说出来特别有感觉。紧记在心里还不够，我希望我会好好应用，让人与人之间的相处更圆滑些。妈妈用行动教会我的事情更是多不胜数，想必我用一生也学不完吧！

以前总是友情第一，结果才发现自己错过了很多和家人的美好时光；近年，才发现时间过得超快的，脑海里“子欲养而亲不在”这句话挥之不去，所以一有时间我就一定往家里钻，如果不是有什么超级重要的事情我绝对寸步不离家，约过我而都被拒绝的朋友都知道吧。这种粘家的程度是有点极端啦，不过，我认为值得。

不久前，有位同乡问我为何常常在家见到我，难道我不用上课打工之类的吗，还说家里有弟弟看着就好了啊。我微微笑本来不想多说什么的回他说：“你也是啊！”
他说，“要不是因为我的两个老的（父母）不能走（路）非得回来照顾他们，我在外面不懂多好……”
我说“难道我要等到我的两个老的那样我才可以回来吗？（心里重复念着坏的不灵，好的灵！）难道你没有后悔过吗？”
他很坚定而且干脆的说“没有！”

我没有要评论什么，因为每个人孝敬父母的方式不一样，有人选择用心念书，有的努力工作，有的被迫飘扬过海长年不在父母家人身边，等着将来可以赚很多钱回来给父母过好日子；还有的选择出家，为父母、家人铺好重生的路，这何尝不是孝顺的一种？孝顺没有方程式，每个人选择的方式可以不一样，一种米都可以养出百种人了，更何况是不同人的需求当然也不能统一啊，这也是世界精彩的要素之一，不是吗？

还记得我和一位好朋友说过如果我有明天，那么我的将来一定是很平凡，但是很快乐的，是自己的快乐，是一种不是每个人都能体会的快乐，就好像我常常说的我也无法体会他人的一样，毕竟每个人追求的生活都不一样嘛，她同意，因为她也是‘同道中人’，哈哈哈哈哈！

妈妈，谢谢您一直以来对我的包容，我的叛逆让您心上的刀疤没有愈合的余地，也不晓得让您费尽了多少心思和眼泪。您说过您这一生最讨厌任何人‘赐’巴掌给任何人了，而您至今唯一的那巴是打在我脸上的，可想而知当时的您有多挣扎，我永远不会忘记那是我应得的，那种骂在嘴里，打在手上，痛在心里的感受我终究体会到了，对不起！

我希望除了母亲节您的每一天都是快乐的，破腹连产四胎您都办到了，还有什么不可能的呢，加油，我们爱你！

我不会说我的母亲是全天下最好的妈妈，因为她不可能是，也因为“天下的妈妈都是一样的”，谁也分不了那份羹。
但是，她永远是我最爱的妈妈，如果没有永远，至少这一世是肯定的！


P/s: 爸爸，请不要吃醋，我们也一样爱你的，只是母亲节先到你就迁就下吧 : )

''Hope that exam ends fast, but yet I don't want next week to come so fast.'' -- we are feeling the same man.

Received a message which roughly says that,
 if you sit for the exam without completing the needed revision, that is ''courage''.
And if you manage to produce an answer even though you don't understand what the question was asking  for,  that is ''insistence''.
And, what is friend? Friend is someone who will keep in touch with you no matter how busy they are.

Do you agree?

The first two are always applicable to me, so am I a very brave and well-insisting person?
Maybe yes, but in a wrong way, that's all what I could say.

It's shameful on me -.-